Lately I've been having a lot of doubts and a lot of frustrations with understanding God and trying to stay positive about things and believing that God truly IS Good. A lot of arguments come up in my prayers, some of which result in the words "The world could be better, but You choose to let it be as terrible as it is. The Universe isn't as good as it can be. You seem to want us to be pain and almost encourage it and desire it for a dependency on You! You don't listen, nor do You care to do, You're gonna do whatever it is You want to do!" (which of course is funny when you look at my last post about how that all works lol) so it's clearly more complicated ... but I don't need to get far into that...that's not the point of the post...
In the darker moments have even resided in a very strong doubt to even the existence of God and that all could be just a big coincidence. And if He does, why would anyone want to keep living in such a painful world when after death, you can be WITH God. But as I keep trying to pray through these frustrations, I recently came to the possibility that I'm not doing as much as I can to really listen to God. Am I missing a message? A path? An opportunity? Maybe? Maybe not. But I've decided to make sure I am actually paying my dues, doing what I can...
So I've decided to stop my hesitations with things in my life. I want to truly wake up with giving God a real, genuine chance to lead me where He wants me to be. If He IS so good, that blindly following Him should be the right path, right? Well...now I want to actually see if this is true. We all get compelled one way or another towards an action and a thought and sometimes are too scared or confused to act. That won't be what I do anymore...and I want to document it. I want to keep myself accountable to do it and to remember it.
Now of course I am one who over analyzes everything and is hyper-observant and always looking for connections...so of course the positive is I'm going to be trying to see something positive from this, but the negative is I may look at every small thing as a sign...so, hopefully writing it out will help me not get too carried away...
For example this morning, I put on pants. The pants were SUPER damp from the dryer last night, but I knew I wanted to wear pants, so I wore them. But everything felt very uncomfortable and gross...but still got in the car with them...and after a 2-minute argument with God about whether or not this is one of those things I should be taking note of...I turned back home and changed into shorts...and felt sooooo much better!
Now is that thinking too much into it? The time difference could have prevented me from getting into a bad car accident? Who knows. I don't.
But the point is to keep trying to just go with where I feel like God is telling me to. And just stop hesitating and doubting it. And follow. Even if it makes no sense.
God, Guide me.
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